


(korn)blume der liebe

by fiveminutemajor



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, colin thinks he's gonna die, mysterious and vague
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-03-10
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:34:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22515553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiveminutemajor/pseuds/fiveminutemajor
Summary: in which there's a flower growing in colin's lungalternativelycolin is head over heels for someone who can't love him back
Relationships: Philipp Grubauer/Colin Wilson
Comments: 8
Kudos: 56





	1. let dew the flowers fill

**Author's Note:**

> title means (corn)flower of love in german
> 
> if you or anyone you know is mentioned, please click away! this is purely fiction.
> 
> this is a multi-chaptered fic! this chapter is vague for a reason!
> 
> i don't write angst very often so

It was all too much. The world spun and Colin gasped for air. He sunk to his knees in the middle of the hallway, pressing his palms flat on the ground in hopes to find some kind of stability. His eyes began to water as the tight feeling in his chest constricted further. There was something caught in his throat, trying to make it’s way out. Colin coughed and pounded on his chest and finally, finally, it loosened. An unnaturally dry flower petal floated gently out of his mouth and landed soundlessly on the floor. Colin picked it up carefully. The bright blue of the petal looked too cheery in the palm of his hand as he wheezed.

It’s not that this was unexpected. Colin knew the stories from friends about what happened if you let a crush grow out of control. He’d known that he had the h53 gene (the Hanahaki gene) since he was a teenager. Colin’s mother had always told him to guard his heart well, because giving it away always came with a potential life or death situation. Turns out, he should have continued to listen.

At thirty, Colin should be too mature for schoolboy crushes, but he’d never been good at acting his age. He couldn’t help the way his heart skipped a beat. He guessed he would have to get used to his lungs aching too. 

Colin could feel the flower in his lung. The left one, specifically, closest to his heart. It wasn’t painful - yet, at least. It just felt heavy, weighing him down with a constant reminder that he loved and wasn’t loved back. 

Colin sat there on the hardwood floor in his hallway for a couple of hours. Not thinking about anything in particular, just - not thinking. Not thinking about what the Hanahaki could mean for his future that may or may not exist anymore.

There would be phone calls to make in the morning, some tearful, some strictly business. He would meet with the team doctor to confirm, but the glaring blue petal in his hand told Colin everything he needed to know. 

There was no doubt in Colin’s mind as to who caused the Hanahaki. There was only one person that Colin was utterly, hopelessly in love with. That, and the fact that the flower growing in his lungs was undoubtedly was a cornflower. Ha. The national flower of Germany. The disease destined to kill him had a sense of humor.

-

Looking at the x-ray of his chest was harder than Colin expected. Seeing the outline of a small flower in the base of his left lung made it somehow more real. Colin sat in the team doctor’s office for a while, the air feeling punched out of him in more ways than one. He really was going to die. 

The doctor gave him a month before the flower grew too large for Colin to safely play hockey. A month until the only thing Colin knew how to do would be ripped from his grasp. A month until the team would find out that Colin was dying because he couldn’t keep his heart under control. They gave him the option of telling the team at first. Gabe would have to stay in the loop, but there was no reason for the rest of them to know why Colin was short of breath after practice.

The surgery was also an option, but it wasn’t to Colin. The Hanahaki surgery was mostly safe, but there was nothing to help the side effect. Some people got lucky and only lost all feeling toward the subject of their love. More common though, was people losing all capacity to love. Colin would much rather struggle through the last couple years of his life with his heart full of bittersweet love than be miserable until he died lonely. 

-

Telling Gabe was easier than Colin thought it would be. The pity that poured from his captain was much, much worse. At least he didn’t ask who it was. Colin didn’t think he could handle that. At least Gabe respected his decision to not tell the team until it was absolutely necessary. If every time he told someone was going to be like that, Colin wouldn’t die from the Hanahaki, he’d die from the crushing weight that each pitiful glance held.

Being on the ice was the only place where Colin could breathe easily. As soon as he stepped out into the rink, all of his woes melted away. When he could easily glide on the ice, he could pretend that he wasn’t going to be lucky if he made it to 31. The sound of skates scraping against the ice was like a balm to his chest, a temporary reprieve to the wheezing that had become ever-present. 

He still got fourth line minutes in games, but Bednar had cut it down to a minimum after the official Hanahaki diagnosis. Practice wasn’t an issue, until it was. 

They were doing shooting drills like usual and when it was Colin’s turn he skated up to the blue line. He looked straight down the rink and stared directly into Grubi’s eyes. The goalie was locked on and ready. Colin picked up the puck and pushed down the tightening feeling in his chest. Starting slow, he analyzed every corner of the goal. He picked up his speed and ignored the tickle in his throat. 

Colin deked right, shot the puck, and collapsed in an explosion of blue flower petals.


	2. (corn)flower of love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> colin's kind of okay with dying, if it means he can spend just a little longer being in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i kind of rushed this chapter but i wanted to finish this!   
> many thanks!

Colin awoke in a bed in the trainer's room. He had been stripped of all his practice gear, just lying there in his athletic wear. The tight fabric of the shirt put unwelcome pressure on his sensitive lungs. Socks, the athletic trainer, and one of the new medical staff were there, discussing in hushed tones on the other side of the room. He coughed once, alerting both the professionals to his presence, and himself to the fact that the Hanahaki was still very much there. Socks sat in a chair next to Colin, a disapproving look on his face.

"How long?" He asked.

"Sorry, what?" Colin coughed again.

"How long do you have? You never told us and we were foolish not to ask." Socks clarified. Colin coughed, but this time more from the awkwardness and less from the Hanahaki. The doctors had given him a month until the flower stopped him from playing hockey. That was two and a half weeks ago. They hadn't said much about how long he would have once he couldn't play, but from the looks on their faces, it wasn't great. Colin told Socks as much, and the trainer slumped in his seat.

"I need to get back out there. I can help the team, so I will." Colin made a move to get up and Socks pushed him back down.

"You have a week and a half until the Hanahaki becomes too much, according to the doctor's estimate. We're not pushing you that far." Socks said firmly.

"You can't do that! I can still play! You saw!" Colin sat up and raised his voice. "I'm doing grea-" He stopped to cough. This time it wasn't a simple tickle and he had to stop and brace his hands on his knees. He was wheezing on every inhale, taking in ragged breaths only to roughly cough them out again. The medical assistant quickly ran up and rubbed a soothing hand on Colin's back. It really wasn't doing a lot. Eventually, he felt something dislodge in his throat. It gave him a bit of hope until he coughed it up. This time, the petals weren't dry. They came out in a clump, stuck together with - frankly too much of - Colin's blood. He stared at the cluster in his hand until he saw a flesh-colored lump that was likely a piece of his lung. He looked at Socks, who was already frowning, and took a shallow breath.

"Okay. Put me on IR. Fine. But I know what you're going to say and I am under no circumstances getting the surgery." Colin said, as firmly as his raspy voice allowed. The medical assistant came over with a biohazard bin and Colin dumped the bloody petals in. Sky blue coated in red.

"I can't make you do the surgery. I can't understand why you wouldn't, but I can't make you. But you're on long-term IR, I don't want to see you on the ice or in the weight room from now on. You're done." Socks stood up. "You've got some people who want to see you and a hell of a lot of explaining to do." With that, the medical assistant and Socks left the room.

Colin barely had a moment to breathe before Gabe burst into the room. 

"You're ridiculous, Colin. You know that right?" He said immediately.

"Um, okay?" Colin seemed to punctuate everything he said with a cough.

"You had everyone- have everyone," he corrected, "so worried, Colin. All the guys are terrified."

"I'm, ah, sorry?" 

"Don't be sorry, it's just, you've got twenty-some guys ready to fight whoever it is that did that." Gabe gestured vaguely to Colin's chest. Colin laughed hoarsely. How Gabe was talking made it seem like it was the other person's fault, not like Colin couldn't control his feelings. Gabe looked at him consideringly and sighed. "I should let the other guys come in. You've got some explaining to do." Colin frowned and Gabe left the room.

From Nate's brooding anger to Kammy's sad uncertainty, each conversation drained Colin's already lacking energy. Everyone seemed so ready to fight for him, or tried to convince him to get the surgery. Colin had accepted his fate already, but his team was just now finding out about it. Finding out that they wouldn't have a number twenty-two on the ice until a new guy claimed the number.

The last person in the room was Grubi. He padded in softly to not disturb anything, and Colin's irritated mood was instantly soothed. When he met the goalie's eyes, however, Colin could feel his chest tightening. He took a shallow breath as Grubi sat down at his bedside.

"Hey." He said.

"Hi." Colin smiled weakly.

"So this is it, huh. You're so in love with this one person and that's it." Grubi furrowed his brow and Colin wanted to reach up and smooth it out. He hated seeing that.

"I guess. It sure would be nice if they could love me back, but I'm not too mad. I get the privilege of loving him." Colin looked away to cough into his elbow.

"Him?" 

"Oh, ah, shit." Colin paled. He hadn't meant to come out on his near deathbed. "Yeah. Him." To his surprise, Grubi smiled. The goalie hummed thoughtfully.

"So tell me about this guy. He has to be wonderful if you're dying over him." Grubi gently placed his hand on Colin's thigh. Colin thought he might die before the Hanahaki had a chance to kill him if this continued.

"Um, hah. Yeah. He's really nice. And he cares a lot about people. He's got gorgeous hair- no, it's not Gabe." Colin said when Grubi raised his eyebrows. "We look too similar for that. My guy is maybe better looking than Gabe. To me at least." Colin stopped and looked Grubi in his eyes. "He knows exactly what I need before I know I need it myself. He's too important to me to get the stupid surgery." 

Colin hadn't realized that while he'd been talking, Grubi had laced their fingers together. 

He looked down at their interlocked hands and back up at Grubi. Then barely, just barely, he felt the roots in his lungs shrink back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank y'all for reading! it's not the best i've ever written, but i wanted to get it done and out here. thank you for any comments and/or kudos!
> 
> anyways,  
> yeehaw lads

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading this very short and vague first part!
> 
> this is my way of getting my feelings out about colin being on long term ir
> 
> kudos/comments are encouragement to get the next part out faster!
> 
> yeehaw lads


End file.
